A Satirical Guide to College Merch Flaunting

Long before the existence of Covid-19, there was another affliction that annually plagued the halls of PVHS: college commitment season. When walking to and from class, it was impossible to avoid the many seniors flaunting the school they were going to. Even more prevalent, however, was the many glares of those who didn’t achieve the level of prestige that warranted such flaunting. 

With school now back in session and the school year just about ending, these glares are back in full swing. If you or a loved one has ever experienced this form of jealousy, simply follow my guide on how to be the college merch flaunter you’ve always dreamed to be. 

Get the Grades.

Say goodbye to your sleep schedule! From the moment you enter school, you need to be “gifted” and you need to be talented. Just learned how to read? Make sure to crack open those SAT and ACT prep books on those drives to Kindergarten. If you don’t, how will you be ready for that test in ten years? Remember, in order to earn that spot at Harvard, your grades need to be perfect, and your social life needs to be dead.

Focus on Prestige.

Everyone knows that the name of a college is worth much more than the education you can get there, so make sure to only apply to the most famous schools. After all, you’ve dedicated 18 long years to community service projects and classes you barely cared about to get to this point. Who cares if universities selling their name like a brand is an entirely capitalistic endeavor? Those student loans will only last for around 30 years. 

Just Buy The Sweatshirt.

Don’t feel like wasting your adolescence on academic “success?” Just order a Harvard sweater off of Amazon and wear it to school. Do you have any idea how cheap a sweatshirt is compared to tuition prices? 

Printing out a sign saying “Harvard: Class of 2025” takes way less time than passing your classes. Win the praise from flaunting your success without the actual effort of getting in. 

After all, no matter the level of “prestige” a school has isn’t entirely related to how well it would fit for you. No matter how “good” or “bad” the college you actually go to is, it’ll be a great place to further your education, and set you up for your future.